The LORD God called to the man and asked him: Where are you? He answered, “I heard you in the garden; but I was afraid, because I was naked, so I hid” (Gen. 3:19).
In many ways I can best describe my ongoing conversion from darkness, shame and doubt, to light, dignity, and faith as coming out of hiding.
I come before God…
I ask myself, “where are you hiding?” This is a question that takes place on my knees.
I look to my Lord, I look to Jesus, I look to His heart, and again I ask myself, “where are you?”
I find that I am at the far reaches of His mercy, far from His presence, like Adam in the garden, hiding in shame. Then, I find that place in my heart where I am most absent, the center of who I am, and I show myself to Jesus there.
Here I am Lord, here I am.
I confess to Him that once again I have gone my own way, following the path of self-worship, I have neglected His saving and loving Presence. I show Him that interior place that is most hidden from Him, most distant, most dark and most full of shame. And I give it to Him, and I say, I am sorry Lord, I was afraid.
And I was afraid because I have placed trust in self rather than God. And it bankrupted me. Trust in self alone will leave anyone weary.
And in my innermost depths I know I have sinned against my Creator, rejecting His wisdom for my own designs, eating the leftover pig feed when He has offered me Manna from Heaven.
Conversion, for me, is coming out of hiding.
The more I examine myself with the words of the Lord, “where are you?”, the more I realize that I am hiding to the extent that I remain unconverted to Christ.
To be unconverted is to trust my patterns of sin, alienation, and isolation more than the wisdom and mercy of God the Most Holy Trinity.
But I am coming out…
I heard the voice of the Lord call out to me, “Where are you?”
- Carthusian Statutes: Guigues’ Praise of Life in Solitude - 12/06/2018
- Comments on Pre-Christian Forms of Natural Meditation - 11/18/2018
- How to Obtain Distrust of Self - 11/01/2018